Under all that, there is beauty....

Could you imagine being that person who looks in the mirror every day and be repulsed? I know, kind of a dramatic word, but I honestly can't think of any other one. Being overweight in today's world is so unaccepted and a hard life to live.

I often find myself going off into this fantasy realm where I am skinny, everyone loves me and most of all, I love myself. But, reality sets in when I turn on the television and see gorgeous women in red bikini's by the beach, cute sun dresses that hug their curves perfectly. In their reality, they are beautiful, skinny, happy. And then my fantasy world diminishes, and I realize that I am pudgy, wearing a solid black one-piece swim suit to the pool with a cover up. Goodness, I hate this life so much sometimes.

I can honestly admit than when I used to cut myself, it was because of my self image. I had three major issues about my body that I wanted to change so bad. 1. My extra large breast. 2. Being overweight and 3. My hair.

I happened to eliminate the first one with a breast reduction, which was the best thing to ever happen to me. But two and three, are virtually impossible. My whole life, I have been huskier, and I want to change that about me. I have always had short hair, and dream of having natural, long hair.

The day before yesterday, I had a mental breakdown with my boyfriend. He basically thinks that I have issues, so until I get myself together, we decided that we don't need to be together (and the fact that he is extremely selfish, but enough about him, he's not that serious). There are two main things that I have got to get together : 1. My self confidence and 2. My weight.

I need to workout, but I can't. I am so sick and tired of setting these goals for myself, and I can never make it. I have bought fiber pills, Slim-Quick, detoxing kits, spent money that I barely even have, just to kick off a good diet, and I always fail myself. It just seems like eating healthy is so expensive, while eating slobbish is virtually an everyday thing that is extremely affordable.

I know that I am lazy. I know that I am in control of my body, but it seriously feels like a demon has a latch on to me, that constantly reminds me that I am fat, and that I will never be fully happy with myself. I cry and cry and cry everyday because my soul hurts so bad. I just want to wake up, and look in the mirror naked, and love myself. Love every thing I see.

It's not like I am asking to be 120 pounds. I just want to be tone. I really do think that my face is beautiful. I have a great personality with an awesome smile, but that can only get me so far. I need to do this for myself. I need to be fit. I have lived almost 22 years being unhappy with my body.

Is it too late?

No. I believe in myself.

Someone that I admire soo much who reminds me a lot of myself is Khloe Kardashian. She has always been a little bit bigger than her two closer sisters, Kim and Kourtney. Similar to my best friends, they are like my sisters and I have always been bigger than them, as well. To me, she exemplifies beauty, not just with her looks, but with her saavy, "i-don't-give-a-damn" attitude. She is one of my idols, and I wish that I could talk to her right now to figure out how she gained the confidence to believe in herself to lose weight. I know the spotlight might have had something to do with it, constant pressure from the media, comparing her weight and image to Kourtney and Kims. But Khloe has always been my favorite Kardashian, and she recently just lost 20 pounds. She is gorgeous, and she is going to help me shed these pounds.



Another chick who I think is ABSOLUTELY FIERCE, I really do not know too much about her, but aside from her beauty, she is able to do something so courageous that I can't even deal with on a daily basis, which is rock the HELL out of a short haircut...Miss Amber Rose. A lot of people have negative things to say about her, but her body, her swagg, her lifestyle is like a dream to me. She walks like she is saying "Hate on, hatas..." and not because she is with Kanye, but because she exemplifies Confidence, which is what I would die for. Feeling beautiful, confident and sexy, all with short hair.

One day, I will be able to walk down the street and love myself. I believe it. With the power of God, ambition, dedication...I can be the person that I truly want to be. This isn't just a phase that I am going through. This is real. I want to be beautiful.

I can honestly admit that the media does have an impact on me by trying to become skinnier and tone, but is that such a bad thing? I am the one who decides to sit at home and cry and eat chocolate bars and wish like I was best friends with the Kardashians or wish that I could be in a sexy bikini pool side in Las Vegas. But why wish? Why not just go after it? I have always been raised to believe that if I want it, go get it. Along with my career dreams, I am seeking personal dreams as well-to be fit. To be healthy. To be, beautiful.