THIS IS THE TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I NEED TO BE BLOGGING THE MOST! I HAVENT BLOGGED IN LIKE TWO MONTHS!
Probably because my computer is a piece of ISH, but its all good though, you know what else is all good?
ME SITTIN' PRETTY IN THA CITY :-) I'm doing really good, working at my job, BUT, still waiting on that Producer gig....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
SHOW OF THE YEAR...
like, I can't even pick out my favorite character...is it Tara? Sookie? Lafayette? Mary-ann? Eric?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I'M HERE! THE CITY
So, for starters, I live in a spacious studio apartment. B-t-w, it's a penthouse. It's not extraodinary, however it's, how can I put this....TOTALLY F'IN AWESOME! But--->I think it's fucked up that my apartment has a bomb-ass "PENTHOUSE" label on the front door, but when you walk in, you realize its not like, "ultimate-bachelor-pad-tons-of space-crib." It's exactly how the web site and brochure describe it: a spacious, studio apartment.
I am so ready to find out about Chicago life, it's not even funny. I know, I'm making it seem like this city is "the most awesome place on earth" and to some, it's definately not and nothing close. But to me, Chicago is a bigger networking market than Lexington, and I love the skyline...trust, the closest thing I have lived to fast pace life is Louisville, Ky. Sure, Louisville ha the always trendy, Kentucky Derby. But, thats it! After Derby, Kentucky goes back to be the same ol tobacco farming, Republican safe-haven, horse breeding, beer chugging, USA Gold smoking, potential goal-orientied place that I call home.
Don't get me wrong, I love my roots in Lexington and Glasgow...but I just feel a calling. I feel like I need a change in my life, and this here, is a dramatic change. I feel really salty b/c I already owe my dad like, $1000 in payments for setting this move up for me. He payed my first months rent-deposit, bought me $300 in groceries, took out his whole Sunday and paid gas, food, drink and tourism all for me, my mom and my boyfriend.
Their are many positive memories that I have in Kentucky. The beautiful night sky when you can see thousands of bright stars along the horizon, miles of field and just when the sun hits the grass at the perfect angle when you speed by, it gives off a nice blue hue. Kentucky is a very beautiful state and a great place to bring up a family, however, I am young, and anxious to discover a whole new life.
I wonder who thinks that I will fail this journey? Is it those who feel that I am going to miss being with my boyfriend and just run back? Or those who feel that I can't handle the subways and the rude people and the fact that I am only a random black girl in a population of 1000's upon millions!!
I feel different, though. I do not feel like I am like everyone else. I have potential. I want to produce. But where do I begin? I can't stop thinking about the internship at Harpo. I am going to send off my Producer reel and resume as well as cover letter tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I have a shit load to do tomorrow. 1. Cut on my cable, change my address at my bank, change W-2 info from my old job, change my address to asist financial aid at UK and start direct deposit, geez! Who would have thought moving is so intense! Not to mention, I applied for a weekend job as a bar tender at Bar Louie. I just walked in, all happy and bubbly applying for a job...if I don't get it ahh well, thinking about applying to work weekends at the Hookah Bar down the street... =)
It feels really good being able to :let m hair down: and do what I want to do without having to worry about what others think about me...being here in Chicago is kind of like, being able to express myself silently, without the stresses of self-esteem, and if I think I am pretty, or desperate to lose weight. Here, I feel like I can do everything I want to do plus more. I get a brand new plate here....
Lets see what happens!!
I am so ready to find out about Chicago life, it's not even funny. I know, I'm making it seem like this city is "the most awesome place on earth" and to some, it's definately not and nothing close. But to me, Chicago is a bigger networking market than Lexington, and I love the skyline...trust, the closest thing I have lived to fast pace life is Louisville, Ky. Sure, Louisville ha the always trendy, Kentucky Derby. But, thats it! After Derby, Kentucky goes back to be the same ol tobacco farming, Republican safe-haven, horse breeding, beer chugging, USA Gold smoking, potential goal-orientied place that I call home.
Don't get me wrong, I love my roots in Lexington and Glasgow...but I just feel a calling. I feel like I need a change in my life, and this here, is a dramatic change. I feel really salty b/c I already owe my dad like, $1000 in payments for setting this move up for me. He payed my first months rent-deposit, bought me $300 in groceries, took out his whole Sunday and paid gas, food, drink and tourism all for me, my mom and my boyfriend.
Their are many positive memories that I have in Kentucky. The beautiful night sky when you can see thousands of bright stars along the horizon, miles of field and just when the sun hits the grass at the perfect angle when you speed by, it gives off a nice blue hue. Kentucky is a very beautiful state and a great place to bring up a family, however, I am young, and anxious to discover a whole new life.
I wonder who thinks that I will fail this journey? Is it those who feel that I am going to miss being with my boyfriend and just run back? Or those who feel that I can't handle the subways and the rude people and the fact that I am only a random black girl in a population of 1000's upon millions!!
I feel different, though. I do not feel like I am like everyone else. I have potential. I want to produce. But where do I begin? I can't stop thinking about the internship at Harpo. I am going to send off my Producer reel and resume as well as cover letter tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I have a shit load to do tomorrow. 1. Cut on my cable, change my address at my bank, change W-2 info from my old job, change my address to asist financial aid at UK and start direct deposit, geez! Who would have thought moving is so intense! Not to mention, I applied for a weekend job as a bar tender at Bar Louie. I just walked in, all happy and bubbly applying for a job...if I don't get it ahh well, thinking about applying to work weekends at the Hookah Bar down the street... =)
It feels really good being able to :let m hair down: and do what I want to do without having to worry about what others think about me...being here in Chicago is kind of like, being able to express myself silently, without the stresses of self-esteem, and if I think I am pretty, or desperate to lose weight. Here, I feel like I can do everything I want to do plus more. I get a brand new plate here....
Lets see what happens!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Apartment searching tomorrow!
So this is still unreal to me!! I am leaving tomorrow morning to head out to Chicago to apartment hunt with my cousin, Stacie :) I already have an idea of the place I want to look at...it's called The Flamingo Apartment and its a penthouse studio!! How adorable, right?? I am in SUCH a good mood! Ready to get out of the city and do big things for myself! Still praying that I am selected for the internship at Harpo! BUT, I won't be sad if they don't call me right away! I am just ready to make my money!! BUT I am not gonna lie, I am ready to dive in head first to the media and entertainment scene in the Chi, so hopefully I will make some great connections...
It's still unbelievable that i am about to move from Lexington, Kentucky to Chicago! woot woot!
It's still unbelievable that i am about to move from Lexington, Kentucky to Chicago! woot woot!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
a diamond in the rough....
His name is nathan ward, also known as ;nemo; and he is fucking talented. eccentric kind of style, extremely polite and gives off an "independent success story" vibe. He is a beast on the drums, freestyle connoisseur, trendy threads AND rugged edges. I really do like him, and I don't know why. His music isn't my style completely, but I can tell that he loves it, is passionate for the art and extremely driven. this kid is going somewhere.
The way he picks up the beat to any song when djnine6 drops the beat, its as if the music notes are rolling down his arms, into his fingers and releasing the melody through his grip of the drumsticks.
He asked me if I was intersted in becoming his manager/publicist because someone suggested me to him, and his timing couldn't be any worse...(just got the job in chi)...I told him I would absolutely love to support him, but due to my situation, I can't. BUT I will find him at least one gig in Chicago that will be worth his while.
Look out world, this kid will be something. I feel it.
Download nemo's "Elevator Music" here
The way he picks up the beat to any song when djnine6 drops the beat, its as if the music notes are rolling down his arms, into his fingers and releasing the melody through his grip of the drumsticks.
He asked me if I was intersted in becoming his manager/publicist because someone suggested me to him, and his timing couldn't be any worse...(just got the job in chi)...I told him I would absolutely love to support him, but due to my situation, I can't. BUT I will find him at least one gig in Chicago that will be worth his while.
Look out world, this kid will be something. I feel it.
Download nemo's "Elevator Music" here
SONG OF THE WEEK!!!
AMAZING summer tune:) peep it...
p.s. drizzy rogers list my three favs in this melody:
1. Lobster
2. Shrimp
3. A FEW glasses of moscoto
4. SEX!
(lol okay, maybe four favs)
p.s. drizzy rogers list my three favs in this melody:
1. Lobster
2. Shrimp
3. A FEW glasses of moscoto
4. SEX!
(lol okay, maybe four favs)
I DID IT!!!!!!! God is SO GOOD!
CHICAGO, HERE I COME!!!!!
I did it! I got the job in Chicago! AND....I applied for internships at Harpo, Productions! I mean, it's like my life is finally beginning!
The Human Resources Dept. called me yesterday (Tuesday, July 27th) and offered me the position. OF COURSE BUT my first day is AUGUST 10th~meaning I have to be moved into my home August 8th!
I am so afraid, I can't believe that I am about to move to Chicago, Illinois... I mean come on, I a
m from Glasgow, Kentucky...population: 2,000!!! I am absolutely overwhelmed with emotion, but I am literally going in head first. I am working like a mad man right now, but I am grinding for this money so nothing can hold me back.
My mind is sooo scatterbrained right now (probably because I am high hehehe) but I can't wait to blog tommorrow about my ADVENTURE TO CHICAGO!!!
Night night!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
new trend? new chapter? new person?
A popular characteristic of the Black woman in modern history is that when going through something traumatic or experiencing a change (i.e. horrible break up/divorce, new phase in life, change in career path/goals), a woman's self image is definitely something that is more highlighted during this hard time. Cutting hair or obtaining a 'doo' that seems like something a woman would never do always comes to 
mind first.
Since I was younger, I have always had short hair, and dreamed of natural long hair. BUT one thing that I do agree with, is that women who buzz-cut their hair or get it cut short to me exemplifies confidence.
A feature on a woman that the media portrays as what "men like" is long hair...something that they can run their fingers through, play with, 'pull' when they are doing the deed. For women who either go completely bald or get a buzz cut, to me, shows that they want their inner beauty to be taken more seriously, or the fact, have this attitude that expresses "I am just that sexy of a bitch/fly of a chick, regardless if I have hair or not, I am still sexy.
Even FOXXY Megan Fox took the ride....
A lot of men do not like and/or want to partake in the sudden alternate route that women are taking with their image. Whether it is the short hair cut, the buzzed cut or the bald look, something about this renewed fashion statement is not settling well with the guys.
Shad Moss, aka "Lil Bow Wow"
posted this after
pics of Solange Knowles new
look flooded the internet:
He 'claims' that he wasn't specifically talking about Solange, and that she is his 'sis' and would NEVER talk about her like that, but when he posted the above comment, the timing was kind of shady.
I asked a female friend the other day if she liked Solange's lo
ok with her hair, and she said 'no.' We then compared her look to Amber Rose, and she admitted that she liked Amber Rose's cut and style, just because the cut is closer to her head, while Solange's sort of resembles a 'boy fade,' and that she needs a relaxer (Let me tell you something, the Black woman's opinion is probably the media's worse critic, because we are brutally honest and are not afraid to hold back true opinions).
Personally, I love Solange's new look. It's chic, simple, rustic, 70's based and of course, really showcases her facial structure and displays how truly gorgeous Solange Knowles is.
Solange doesn't need the glitz and the glam that shadows her sister, daily. As a matter of fact, with this hair cut, she doesn't get compared or classified with Beyonce' at all, and I adore her for it.
SO when it comes to taking chances, being adventurous and expressing one's true self, I admire those who take this step. To those out there who are just following a trend and want to be like Amber Rose or Rihanna, I pity you. Nine times out of ten, there are real life situations that bring these women to take dramatic measures like these and not succomb to the media's generalizations or "what people expect." The buzz-balding effect shows nothing more than pure confidence.
When I say "real life situatuons," traumatic times, etc., I know people are thinking "what can force a woman to cut her hair off?" Isn't that borderline crazy? How can someone just alter themselves like that just because of a bad day?
I believe that their is more to life than the outside and what people think about other people. What a person goes through on the inside is sometimes virtually impossible to put words and have people understand. For example, Tia Mowry in "The Game" plays Melanie Barnette, a beautiful young woman who happens to be
intelligent as well, engaged to an NFL line backer. All at the same time, she is stuggling with medical school; dating someone who is always on the road, leaving her life back at home for this man, living with him, and finds out that he is cheating on her. That's a lot to take in for one woman to not react in an absolute crazy manner (i.e. bust the windows out his car, sleep with his friend, go bananas). She made this man her life.
She ended up cutting her hair, a new style, to thro
w away a chapter in her life that she needs to get pass. To wake up every morning and look in the mirror and see something different, to reassure her change is for the better, this time. Even when her friends realized that she was pro-short hair, one of her girls mentioned that her "long hair was the only thing going for her."
Although this show is completely fabricated, their are women out there who are going through troubling times similar to Melanie's. Cheating boyfriend, the fear of not achieving success hell, even trouble losing weight.
I decided to post on my twitter for the guys to let me know what they think regarding short cuts/bald/shaved cuts, and the first response I recieved:
GQ50@ThePinkDreamer It looks bad period. Fades on girls look bad.
(I encourage those to follow this guy, then you will probably see why he doesn't like the trend)
(to be continued)
mind first.
Since I was younger, I have always had short hair, and dreamed of natural long hair. BUT one thing that I do agree with, is that women who buzz-cut their hair or get it cut short to me exemplifies confidence.
A feature on a woman that the media portrays as what "men like" is long hair...something that they can run their fingers through, play with, 'pull' when they are doing the deed. For women who either go completely bald or get a buzz cut, to me, shows that they want their inner beauty to be taken more seriously, or the fact, have this attitude that expresses "I am just that sexy of a bitch/fly of a chick, regardless if I have hair or not, I am still sexy.
Even FOXXY Megan Fox took the ride....
A lot of men do not like and/or want to partake in the sudden alternate route that women are taking with their image. Whether it is the short hair cut, the buzzed cut or the bald look, something about this renewed fashion statement is not settling well with the guys.
Shad Moss, aka "Lil Bow Wow"
posted this after
pics of Solange Knowles new
look flooded the internet:
He 'claims' that he wasn't specifically talking about Solange, and that she is his 'sis' and would NEVER talk about her like that, but when he posted the above comment, the timing was kind of shady.I asked a female friend the other day if she liked Solange's lo
ok with her hair, and she said 'no.' We then compared her look to Amber Rose, and she admitted that she liked Amber Rose's cut and style, just because the cut is closer to her head, while Solange's sort of resembles a 'boy fade,' and that she needs a relaxer (Let me tell you something, the Black woman's opinion is probably the media's worse critic, because we are brutally honest and are not afraid to hold back true opinions).Personally, I love Solange's new look. It's chic, simple, rustic, 70's based and of course, really showcases her facial structure and displays how truly gorgeous Solange Knowles is.
Solange doesn't need the glitz and the glam that shadows her sister, daily. As a matter of fact, with this hair cut, she doesn't get compared or classified with Beyonce' at all, and I adore her for it.
SO when it comes to taking chances, being adventurous and expressing one's true self, I admire those who take this step. To those out there who are just following a trend and want to be like Amber Rose or Rihanna, I pity you. Nine times out of ten, there are real life situations that bring these women to take dramatic measures like these and not succomb to the media's generalizations or "what people expect." The buzz-balding effect shows nothing more than pure confidence.When I say "real life situatuons," traumatic times, etc., I know people are thinking "what can force a woman to cut her hair off?" Isn't that borderline crazy? How can someone just alter themselves like that just because of a bad day?
I believe that their is more to life than the outside and what people think about other people. What a person goes through on the inside is sometimes virtually impossible to put words and have people understand. For example, Tia Mowry in "The Game" plays Melanie Barnette, a beautiful young woman who happens to be
intelligent as well, engaged to an NFL line backer. All at the same time, she is stuggling with medical school; dating someone who is always on the road, leaving her life back at home for this man, living with him, and finds out that he is cheating on her. That's a lot to take in for one woman to not react in an absolute crazy manner (i.e. bust the windows out his car, sleep with his friend, go bananas). She made this man her life.She ended up cutting her hair, a new style, to thro
w away a chapter in her life that she needs to get pass. To wake up every morning and look in the mirror and see something different, to reassure her change is for the better, this time. Even when her friends realized that she was pro-short hair, one of her girls mentioned that her "long hair was the only thing going for her."Although this show is completely fabricated, their are women out there who are going through troubling times similar to Melanie's. Cheating boyfriend, the fear of not achieving success hell, even trouble losing weight.
I decided to post on my twitter for the guys to let me know what they think regarding short cuts/bald/shaved cuts, and the first response I recieved:
GQ50@ThePinkDreamer It looks bad period. Fades on girls look bad.
(I encourage those to follow this guy, then you will probably see why he doesn't like the trend)
(to be continued)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
BENCH BLOG #1
I am beginning the first step to shedding pounds by walking the bike trail that is by my house. I tried to jog at first, but after almost thirty seconds, I thought I was going to pass out (embarrassing). Walking the path alone give me time to reflect about my life...remembering my past from walking this trail with friends when I was a teenager, to envisioning my future, and what it entails.
This bench located at the halfway point of the trail will be where I sit for five minutes to blog about my feelings. This is the first entry.
I look around, and just chuckle at myself because I have so many childhood mem
ories from this trail. I worked at Berry Hill Pool when I was 13, and I always took this trail to get there from my house. All that was on my mind was boys, making money, getting away from my parents and anything a teenager could get into.I took a picture of the park that I went to all the time...kissing boys on the slide, swinging with my girlfriends, watching flashy cars drive by and wondering why so many people were going in and out the car (drug deals), wishing I could drive up to the park,
but I couldn't, I was so young. I will never forget the time I smoked a strawberry joint on the swings--that was probably the third time I had ever smoked pot...those were the good ol' days, right? Being a teenager probably was the best years of my life, raging hormones, deviance, curiosity, innocence.A picture of a beautiful sunflower on the trail:
Major KUDOS to THIS chick right here....
My girl put me on a web site that I have been addicted to since the first moment I layed eyes on it. Believe it or not, a chick by the name of Monica did the smartest shit any blogger could do this day and age.
Now, what girl doesn't fantasize about being with mainstream rappers/professio
nal athletes/actors like Drake, Red Man, Aaron Carter, Young Jeezy or Trey Songs or for those eccentric bitches, Dwele or Common?? Personally, I have a very detailed imagination and on some nights instead of going out with my girls or kickin' it w. my boyfriend, I would rather stay at home and "play..." Curl up on the couch, play some Drake in the background and let my imagination run wild. I fantasize about Shia LeBeouf, Evan Ross, many more, but most of all, 
Aubrey Drake Graham (saving that blog for another day).
Ms. Monica decided to start a blog, where girls who have had a sexual experience with a celebrity can post up their encounter on her blog, details and all. And when I say DETAILS, down to the nitty gritty.
I love it because, I don't give a damn who you are, chicks are too shy (and I am one of them) to open up and claim that they wou
ld be a groupie for one night, just to have that amazing sexual experience with someone that you know you can't have.
The fascinating part about this web-site, is that you don't know if the stories are real or fake, but it doesn't matter, because the freaky text that is used to describe these sexual encounters are enough to keep girls (closet freaks, especially) wide eyed and glued to the screen.
IF Ms. Monica is making all of these stories up and posting them, saying that other people send them in, then she is a fucking genius. I would then label her the modern-day, younger-version of Zane, author of The Sex Chronicles. Zane gave it to you the way you want it, but too shy to ask for it. Dirty words that classy girls are too embarrassed to even say.
However, if she is accepting stories from "groupies" or chicks, then she is still a fucking genius. Once again, I can't express enough how regular chicks WISH they could have groupie experiences, just too pride-ish (I know it's not a word) or "better than that" to admit it. Personally, I wish there was a different term for girls who have just had a one/two/three night experience with a celebrity compared to chicks who go out on a mission to bounce between celebrities. Those, I consider groupies because they need the consistent label to get them aroused.
So MY WOMAN OF THE YEAR, is Ms. Monica, founder of Backstagepazz.com, Tales of a Groupie. Thank you, Monica, for creating such an interesting blog, not being afraid of taking it there and putting these guys (hell, even chicks, Nicki Minaj is on there, too!!) on blast and giving us AMAZING material to get caught up in. Major, MAJOR KUDOS!!!
Now, what girl doesn't fantasize about being with mainstream rappers/professio
nal athletes/actors like Drake, Red Man, Aaron Carter, Young Jeezy or Trey Songs or for those eccentric bitches, Dwele or Common?? Personally, I have a very detailed imagination and on some nights instead of going out with my girls or kickin' it w. my boyfriend, I would rather stay at home and "play..." Curl up on the couch, play some Drake in the background and let my imagination run wild. I fantasize about Shia LeBeouf, Evan Ross, many more, but most of all, 
Aubrey Drake Graham (saving that blog for another day).Ms. Monica decided to start a blog, where girls who have had a sexual experience with a celebrity can post up their encounter on her blog, details and all. And when I say DETAILS, down to the nitty gritty.
I love it because, I don't give a damn who you are, chicks are too shy (and I am one of them) to open up and claim that they wou
ld be a groupie for one night, just to have that amazing sexual experience with someone that you know you can't have.The fascinating part about this web-site, is that you don't know if the stories are real or fake, but it doesn't matter, because the freaky text that is used to describe these sexual encounters are enough to keep girls (closet freaks, especially) wide eyed and glued to the screen.
IF Ms. Monica is making all of these stories up and posting them, saying that other people send them in, then she is a fucking genius. I would then label her the modern-day, younger-version of Zane, author of The Sex Chronicles. Zane gave it to you the way you want it, but too shy to ask for it. Dirty words that classy girls are too embarrassed to even say.
However, if she is accepting stories from "groupies" or chicks, then she is still a fucking genius. Once again, I can't express enough how regular chicks WISH they could have groupie experiences, just too pride-ish (I know it's not a word) or "better than that" to admit it. Personally, I wish there was a different term for girls who have just had a one/two/three night experience with a celebrity compared to chicks who go out on a mission to bounce between celebrities. Those, I consider groupies because they need the consistent label to get them aroused.
So MY WOMAN OF THE YEAR, is Ms. Monica, founder of Backstagepazz.com, Tales of a Groupie. Thank you, Monica, for creating such an interesting blog, not being afraid of taking it there and putting these guys (hell, even chicks, Nicki Minaj is on there, too!!) on blast and giving us AMAZING material to get caught up in. Major, MAJOR KUDOS!!!
Genuine? Or I am just gullable....
Chris Brown public apology....I actually kind of feel sorry for the kid...
Song of the Day =)
I'll make her say-Kid Cudi ft. Kanye West and Common
Very cute...plus I LOVE Lady Gaga
Very cute...plus I LOVE Lady Gaga
Under all that, there is beauty....
Could you imagine being that person who looks in the mirror every day and be repulsed? I know, kind of a dramatic word, but I honestly can't think of any other one. Being overweight in today's world is so unaccepted and a hard life to live.
I often find myself going off into this fantasy realm where I am skinny, everyone loves me and most of all, I love myself. But, reality sets in when I turn on the television and see gorgeous women in red bikini's by the beach, cute sun dresses that hug their curves perfectly. In their reality, they are beautiful, skinny, happy. And then my fantasy world diminishes, and I realize that I am pudgy, wearing a solid black one-piece swim suit to the pool with a cover up. Goodness, I hate this life so much sometimes.
I can honestly admit than when I used to cut myself, it was because of my self image. I had three major issues about my body that I wanted to change so bad. 1. My extra large breast. 2. Being overweight and 3. My hair.
I happened to eliminate the first one with a breast reduction, which was the best thing to ever happen to me. But two and three, are virtually impossible. My whole life, I have been huskier, and I want to change that about me. I have always had short hair, and dream of having natural, long hair.
The day before yesterday, I had a mental breakdown with my boyfriend. He basically thinks that I have issues, so until I get myself together, we decided that we don't need to be together (and the fact that he is extremely selfish, but enough about him, he's not that serious). There are two main things that I have got to get together : 1. My self confidence and 2. My weight.
I need to workout, but I can't. I am so sick and tired of setting these goals for myself, and I can never make it. I have bought fiber pills, Slim-Quick, detoxing kits, spent money that I barely even have, just to kick off a good diet, and I always fail myself. It just seems like eating healthy is so expensive, while eating slobbish is virtually an everyday thing that is extremely affordable.
I know that I am lazy. I know that I am in control of my body, but it seriously feels like a demon has a latch on to me, that constantly reminds me that I am fat, and that I will never be fully happy with myself. I cry and cry and cry everyday because my soul hurts so bad. I just want to wake up, and look in the mirror naked, and love myself. Love every thing I see.
It's not like I am asking to be 120 pounds. I just want to be tone. I really do think that my face is beautiful. I have a great personality with an awesome smile, but that can only get me so far. I need to do this for myself. I need to be fit. I have lived almost 22 years being unhappy with my body.
Is it too late?
No. I believe in myself.
Someone that I admire soo much who reminds me a lot of myself is Khloe Kardashian. She has always been a little bit bigger than her two closer sisters, Kim and Kourtney. Similar to my best friends, they are like my sisters and I have always been bigger than them, as well. To me, she
exemplifies beauty, not just with her looks, but with her saavy, "i-don't-give-a-damn" attitude. She is one of my idols, and I wish that I could talk to her right now to figure out how she gained the confidence to believe in herself to lose weight. I know the spotlight might have had something to do with it, constant pressure from the media, comparing her weight and image to Kourtney and Kims. But Khloe has
always been my favorite Kardashian, and she recently just lost 20 pounds. She is gorgeous, and she is going to help me shed these pounds.Another chick who I think is ABSOLUTELY FIERCE, I really do not know too much about her, but aside from her beauty, she is able to do something so courageous that I can't even deal with on a daily basis, which is rock the HELL out of a short haircut...Miss Amber Rose. A lot of people have negative things to say about her, but her body, her swagg, her lifestyle is like a dream to me. She walks like she is saying "Hate on, hatas..." and not
because she is with Kanye, but because she exemplifies Confidence, which is what I would die for. Feeling beautiful, confident and sexy, all with short hair.
One day, I will be able to walk down the street and love myself. I believe it. With the power of God, ambition, dedication...I can be the person that I truly want to be. This isn't just a phase that I am going through. This is real. I want to be beautiful.
I can honestly admit that the media does have an impact on me by trying to become skinnier and tone, but is that such a bad thing? I am the one who decides to sit at home and cry and eat chocolate bars and wish like I was best friends with the Kardashians or wish that I could be in a sexy bikini pool side in Las Vegas. But why wish? Why not just go after it? I have always been raised to believe that if I want it, go get it. Along with my career dreams, I am seeking personal dreams as well-to be fit. To be healthy. To be, beautiful.
Relating to Adele....
Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads no where....(Adele)It's been hard for me, recently, since my last blog. I think that I have been slowly losing my mind. Waking up everyday, and realizing that I am still in Lexington, Kentucky with no money, no job, and waiting on my calling. I guess I don't have any patience, but I am so ready to do what I do best.
Another thing that I have been battling sooo hard recently is my self-confidence and weight, but that's for another blog.
I just wanted to post this song because I think it's amazing. Adele's voice is so tender and soul touching, and the theme for this song is perfect for me right now at this time in my life.
Adele-Chasing Pavements
Check out her latest song as well, Hometown Glory.....this relates to me regarding my dreams getting to the city and making it big....this chick is RAW :)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Social Stigma of Marijuana
My father made me memorize Rick James' "Mary Jane" by the time I was five years old. 10 years later, I found out the true theme of the song. So imagine how I reacted when I put two and two together. Marijuana has been a devious yet honest friend to many of my family members for some time. It's crazy how alcohol is so sociably accepted-with the exception of prohibition-but as soon as someone mentions that they smoke pot around the wrong people, it's automatically assumed that they are non-goal oriented, lazy sack of horse poo who posts up in the house and smokes pot all day.
Majority of my sociology college career, I have learned about how drug addicts and weed smokers are categorized, consistently classified in different sections of "how they are addicted." Well, I have taken it upon myself to classify non-drug users into four different categories and there connotations of marijuana use.
DISCLAIMER: I am not hating on any person who I feel is in one of these categories, just my observation.
1.Harvey Dents (2-facers)
Want to engage in smoking reefer but can't because of worrying about what other people would think about them. On occasion, you can spot this person maybe hitting the blunt once or twice in their life times and loving it when they are around 'the right crowd'...just a fun experience. But are the first ones to agree with those who knock smoking because 'everyone else thinks its bad and messes up lives.'
2. The Self-loather
I know every weed smoker has encountered that person who still comes around when you smoke, but has to bring up how uncool they think marijuana is. "It's not lady like," or "I don't see what the big deal is." The funny thing about this person, is that nine times out 10, they tried it at least once in there life. AND Nine times out of 10, they had a bad experience. (i.e. felt funny, embarrassed themselves, some bad trip) Well, this person tends to have a selfish point of view, since they can't fit in with the 'click,' don't understand what's so funny, technical marijuana terms (i.e. bong, match, quarter, whatever), they feel left out, and want to belong, but do not want to let the pride get in the way of 'experimenting.'
3. Career-Stringers
These guys I somewhat admire, and what I am, myself- because it's not like they deviously downplay marijuana smokers, it's just because they can't because of either random drug testing at there jobs or some type of barrier that keeps them from smoking in order to uphold a positive image for the sake of there families (i.e. a mother or a father who have smoked before, but quit after either graduating college and getting a career that drug test or have young children in the home).
4. Anslinger Leechers
Harry J. Anslinger was appointed as the first Commissioner of the Treasury Department's Federal Bureau of Narcotics in 1930. He was basically known for his outlandish public portrayals of how "killer" marijuana can be. He would put out 'drug scares,' terrifying mothers and fathers in communities about how marijuana can completely transfrom sons and daughters to killers, sex-crazed animals, lazy bums who will amount to nothing.
I call them leeches because they have been sucking on Anslinger's scares for almost seventy years. America still has people, any age, who feel that marijuana is the root of all evil. They have never smoked before, even associated with someone who feels that smoking is okay. These guys are funny :)
In conclusion, I don't consider myself a pot head or a non-smoker advocate. I have battled for a really long time, caring about what others thought about me, what God thinks about me more than anyone, and of course, what I think about me. Although I do not engage in the rebellious illegal act, I don't see anything wrong with smoking weed, but let it just be a small part of your life, not your life. Goals are number one before anything, even reefer, and I refuse to let Mary Jane ruin my life.
-ALSO, being safe when smoking marijuana is a new cool thing, now a days. You don't hear the government complaining about weed in Amsterdam because they don't smoke Phillies, Grape Cigars, Cigarellos, etc. Those things are BAD FOR THE BODY. Over seas, they use bowls, bongs, vaporizers.........anything that filters out the bad stuff, I'm FOR IT!!!
Want to engage in smoking reefer but can't because of worrying about what other people would think about them. On occasion, you can spot this person maybe hitting the blunt once or twice in their life times and loving it when they are around 'the right crowd'...just a fun experience. But are the first ones to agree with those who knock smoking because 'everyone else thinks its bad and messes up lives.'
2. The Self-loather
I know every weed smoker has encountered that person who still comes around when you smoke, but has to bring up how uncool they think marijuana is. "It's not lady like," or "I don't see what the big deal is." The funny thing about this person, is that nine times out 10, they tried it at least once in there life. AND Nine times out of 10, they had a bad experience. (i.e. felt funny, embarrassed themselves, some bad trip) Well, this person tends to have a selfish point of view, since they can't fit in with the 'click,' don't understand what's so funny, technical marijuana terms (i.e. bong, match, quarter, whatever), they feel left out, and want to belong, but do not want to let the pride get in the way of 'experimenting.'
3. Career-Stringers
These guys I somewhat admire, and what I am, myself- because it's not like they deviously downplay marijuana smokers, it's just because they can't because of either random drug testing at there jobs or some type of barrier that keeps them from smoking in order to uphold a positive image for the sake of there families (i.e. a mother or a father who have smoked before, but quit after either graduating college and getting a career that drug test or have young children in the home).
4. Anslinger Leechers
Harry J. Anslinger was appointed as the first Commissioner of the Treasury Department's Federal Bureau of Narcotics in 1930. He was basically known for his outlandish public portrayals of how "killer" marijuana can be. He would put out 'drug scares,' terrifying mothers and fathers in communities about how marijuana can completely transfrom sons and daughters to killers, sex-crazed animals, lazy bums who will amount to nothing.I call them leeches because they have been sucking on Anslinger's scares for almost seventy years. America still has people, any age, who feel that marijuana is the root of all evil. They have never smoked before, even associated with someone who feels that smoking is okay. These guys are funny :)
In conclusion, I don't consider myself a pot head or a non-smoker advocate. I have battled for a really long time, caring about what others thought about me, what God thinks about me more than anyone, and of course, what I think about me. Although I do not engage in the rebellious illegal act, I don't see anything wrong with smoking weed, but let it just be a small part of your life, not your life. Goals are number one before anything, even reefer, and I refuse to let Mary Jane ruin my life.
-ALSO, being safe when smoking marijuana is a new cool thing, now a days. You don't hear the government complaining about weed in Amsterdam because they don't smoke Phillies, Grape Cigars, Cigarellos, etc. Those things are BAD FOR THE BODY. Over seas, they use bowls, bongs, vaporizers.........anything that filters out the bad stuff, I'm FOR IT!!!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The chapter I just ended in my life...
I'm so UPTOWN, and muthafucka if you ain't, don't go uptown, yeahhhh!!
Lol, "Uptown" by Drake is probably my song for 2009, hands down. Just thinking about all of those who think I can't make it big, i just think to myself "Ya know what, it's okay. It's okay. Once I hit it big, then you can run and tell ya friends that IM ON!" Lol, I'm lightweight going through it over here because I am thinking about the chapter that I just closed in my life....reflecting while listening to So Far Gone.
I can't help but sit here and anticipate tomorrow, wondering if I am still going to be the same, goal-oriented chick that dreams of working in the industry. How do you begin a life like that? I don't have any connections...don't know anyone famous AND not to mention my resume' is IIGHT, but nothing extraordinary?? I wish that I wasn't so damn pessimistic, that I could just point at my goal, and reach for it.
I can honestly say that the good Lord blessed me with a wonderful life so far. Great parents, a great education, an amazing boyfriend and opportunities ahead of me that any girl would appreciate. But I don't want the average run-of-the-mill life. I'm searching for a career where I can wake up everyday and say to myself..."damn, this is IT!"
I am a free-spirited person, who dreams a whole lot. But how do I turn those dreams into reality? I am a writer. I am a creative writer and I am good at it. I can paint pictures with my words, and I just want to be able to use what I have. Since I was 16, I have always wanted to be a producer. Throughout college, I wanted to be a news producer, and I was blessed to able to produce news for two years. NOW, I want to do what I want to do....produce television shows, a movie, a music video....i want to produce something that the world is going to see and be impacted by.
MY PROBLEM:
...I don't know what I want to create yet.
So where do I get my motivation from? Online. Television. All I do is Google producers, directors, publicists, marketing agencies, anything media related, those who influence me and send them emails asking for advice....but I never get a respond. It's okay, because I heard once that life is all about rejections, and once I do get that phone call or email back, it will be appreciated sooo much more because someone actually gave me the chance.
I am afraid. Afraid that I will be a local nothing. I will continue to be the girl who feels like she is nothing, unless she does something truly inspirational. I want to be big. Not :famous: big, but...for people to notice me, and be like "oh, thats Krista Hayes...she works for E! as an Executive Producer...she pitched the new show -witty name of show here- that assist young girls around the country to be behind the scenes of creating an amazing televison show and potential directors and etc. " Get it???
I dream of the day where I can come into my studio loft apartment in downtown SOMEWHERE, lets just say Miami because I am dreaming right now, and invite my girls over and we can chill out for the night and just call up some VIP tickets to get in the club with superstars, models, actors, actresses, and just live the young as fast paced life. But not as a groupie, not as someones arm candy, not someones "scrimpin" (thats kentucky slang for 'fuck buddy), but as successful Black women.
Lol, "Uptown" by Drake is probably my song for 2009, hands down. Just thinking about all of those who think I can't make it big, i just think to myself "Ya know what, it's okay. It's okay. Once I hit it big, then you can run and tell ya friends that IM ON!" Lol, I'm lightweight going through it over here because I am thinking about the chapter that I just closed in my life....reflecting while listening to So Far Gone.
I can't help but sit here and anticipate tomorrow, wondering if I am still going to be the same, goal-oriented chick that dreams of working in the industry. How do you begin a life like that? I don't have any connections...don't know anyone famous AND not to mention my resume' is IIGHT, but nothing extraordinary?? I wish that I wasn't so damn pessimistic, that I could just point at my goal, and reach for it.
I can honestly say that the good Lord blessed me with a wonderful life so far. Great parents, a great education, an amazing boyfriend and opportunities ahead of me that any girl would appreciate. But I don't want the average run-of-the-mill life. I'm searching for a career where I can wake up everyday and say to myself..."damn, this is IT!"
I am a free-spirited person, who dreams a whole lot. But how do I turn those dreams into reality? I am a writer. I am a creative writer and I am good at it. I can paint pictures with my words, and I just want to be able to use what I have. Since I was 16, I have always wanted to be a producer. Throughout college, I wanted to be a news producer, and I was blessed to able to produce news for two years. NOW, I want to do what I want to do....produce television shows, a movie, a music video....i want to produce something that the world is going to see and be impacted by.MY PROBLEM:
...I don't know what I want to create yet.
So where do I get my motivation from? Online. Television. All I do is Google producers, directors, publicists, marketing agencies, anything media related, those who influence me and send them emails asking for advice....but I never get a respond. It's okay, because I heard once that life is all about rejections, and once I do get that phone call or email back, it will be appreciated sooo much more because someone actually gave me the chance.
I am afraid. Afraid that I will be a local nothing. I will continue to be the girl who feels like she is nothing, unless she does something truly inspirational. I want to be big. Not :famous: big, but...for people to notice me, and be like "oh, thats Krista Hayes...she works for E! as an Executive Producer...she pitched the new show -witty name of show here- that assist young girls around the country to be behind the scenes of creating an amazing televison show and potential directors and etc. " Get it???
I dream of the day where I can come into my studio loft apartment in downtown SOMEWHERE, lets just say Miami because I am dreaming right now, and invite my girls over and we can chill out for the night and just call up some VIP tickets to get in the club with superstars, models, actors, actresses, and just live the young as fast paced life. But not as a groupie, not as someones arm candy, not someones "scrimpin" (thats kentucky slang for 'fuck buddy), but as successful Black women.Lust for Life/Houstatlantavegas Video Creation
Drake - Lust For Life x HoustonAtlantaVegas [mash-up video] from 5846 Productions on Vimeo.
Lust for Life by Drake has always been one of my favorite, it touches so many basis and changes in my life and where I want to be. This video is amazing...the fashion, the angles, the color, the theme of the song tied in with the video. I love the digital images as well, so much more advanced than typical American tweeking and zeeking. Take a glance...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
=) One of the funnest experiences of my life... =)
How did I get here?
Although that I feel the chances of people really reading my blog and finding my life the half bit interesting, I cant seem to take my hands away from this laptop and write about the changes that I want to occur in my life so bad. I am a mix between scared, lost and wondering where my life will be and what is so important about me that is going to force people to think ::who is she:: when they see me.
My whole life, I have been the person who was the follower in a group of beautiful girls who I felt had it made. I have severe self conscious issues and I am my biggest critic. There were nights when I was a preteen where I would wear a towel around my head because I dreamed of having long hair. There were days at the dinner table where I stared in space, not touching my food, thinking about the perfect body image, wearing that white bikini and having men stare at me like I was a piece of meat. I yearned to be treated the way that women despise by men, because I was never paid attention to, whistled at, "holla'd at," even had a dude grab my arm in the club. My girls were so used to having this attention because they were beautiful, and I always heard them complain about how they hated it when boys did this and called too much and stared at you some kind of way. Secretly, when a guy did give me that lame line that every girl got, I finally felt pretty and wanted. I was in the society where I at least had something that attracted men to me. Was it my smile? My wit? Or the fact that I had developed huge boobs by the time I was 13? I will never know, but I loved feeling like I was pretty by the disgusting excuses that I called "cute boys" who didnt have a penny to there name and was seeking one thing...getting in between.
The worst feeling in the world for me was hanging out at social event with my friends (i.e. party, bar, high-school dance or even the hallway), and all of my peers are getting the attention that I felt I couldn't have. I wasn't a size 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 in high school up through college like the rest of my girls, I was 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Everyday, I wake up and wonder how I am going to be reminded today that I am not the girl with the sexy, slender awesome body. Yes, I was a cheerleader and played softball, but it's called genes. Their was the occasional drag-of-guy who would attempt to cross me, but never tickled my fancy. Even today, with the amazing boyfriend that I have now, he still cant figure out why my self esteem is so low.
With a degree, a good family, great friends, great boyfriend, I still think back to my teenage years, exiting my adolesence and into this young, aspiring woman phase... and realize that I had a good time, but it was extremely difficult for me. Trying to fit in, find myself, figure out love, battling deaths, emotional disorders, self-mutilation, alcohol, drugs, sex. All of these barriers and battles I have encountered created this person who is typing right now.
So where do I go from here? Should I type out the experiences with men who I felt would take away the stomach aches caused by self-loathing and depression, but instead, they made me feel worse about myself? Or the times where I would lay face down in the bathroom, tears in my eyes with a razor blade in my hand, ready to feel that euphoric high from cutting that no one else could give to me? No. I already wrote about these experiences in my summer diaries and I can't bear to replenish those memories. I am here talking to you all because I want to share with the world that regardless your childhood, background, bad experiences, if you want to pick up, move on and be somebody, go do it. I really believe in myself when it come to reaching my dreams, and as I chuckle, I don't know why.
It's hard to sleep now at nights because I am so ready to move to the city, and begin the next chapter in my life. Waking up at noon everyday to roll over and see your childhood room at 22 isnt the exact life I pictured when I was a teen. I imagined hearing horns honking actually, outside the window. Pigeons flying by, walking up and down the busy street, even waiting for the subway. Being a country girl whose destiny is to be a succesful journalist in the big city isn't the typical career path, but it works for me.
I am patiently waiting on the phone call that tells me that I have the job.
It's killing me. Knowing that I have a meal ticket to get the hell out of dodge, and it might slip away from me. Everyone keeps telling me to keep faith in the Lord, and that if it is in God's will, that it will happen. Patience. (inhale-exhale) I have faith. I am just tired of being broke, laying up in my parents house, waiting on my next move. I can't stop thinking of getting off of work in the city on a Friday, coming home, showering, blogging, then walking to the downtown local cafe', small club, bar... where I could run into a journalist or someone that works at Harpo Productions, the local news stations, actresses, actors, radio personalities, musicians, and simply ask them:
"How does it feel?"
I end this posting today with this: keep the faith. Keep working hard. Keep praying. Never give up. Keep smiling.
My whole life, I have been the person who was the follower in a group of beautiful girls who I felt had it made. I have severe self conscious issues and I am my biggest critic. There were nights when I was a preteen where I would wear a towel around my head because I dreamed of having long hair. There were days at the dinner table where I stared in space, not touching my food, thinking about the perfect body image, wearing that white bikini and having men stare at me like I was a piece of meat. I yearned to be treated the way that women despise by men, because I was never paid attention to, whistled at, "holla'd at," even had a dude grab my arm in the club. My girls were so used to having this attention because they were beautiful, and I always heard them complain about how they hated it when boys did this and called too much and stared at you some kind of way. Secretly, when a guy did give me that lame line that every girl got, I finally felt pretty and wanted. I was in the society where I at least had something that attracted men to me. Was it my smile? My wit? Or the fact that I had developed huge boobs by the time I was 13? I will never know, but I loved feeling like I was pretty by the disgusting excuses that I called "cute boys" who didnt have a penny to there name and was seeking one thing...getting in between.
The worst feeling in the world for me was hanging out at social event with my friends (i.e. party, bar, high-school dance or even the hallway), and all of my peers are getting the attention that I felt I couldn't have. I wasn't a size 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 in high school up through college like the rest of my girls, I was 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Everyday, I wake up and wonder how I am going to be reminded today that I am not the girl with the sexy, slender awesome body. Yes, I was a cheerleader and played softball, but it's called genes. Their was the occasional drag-of-guy who would attempt to cross me, but never tickled my fancy. Even today, with the amazing boyfriend that I have now, he still cant figure out why my self esteem is so low.
With a degree, a good family, great friends, great boyfriend, I still think back to my teenage years, exiting my adolesence and into this young, aspiring woman phase... and realize that I had a good time, but it was extremely difficult for me. Trying to fit in, find myself, figure out love, battling deaths, emotional disorders, self-mutilation, alcohol, drugs, sex. All of these barriers and battles I have encountered created this person who is typing right now.
So where do I go from here? Should I type out the experiences with men who I felt would take away the stomach aches caused by self-loathing and depression, but instead, they made me feel worse about myself? Or the times where I would lay face down in the bathroom, tears in my eyes with a razor blade in my hand, ready to feel that euphoric high from cutting that no one else could give to me? No. I already wrote about these experiences in my summer diaries and I can't bear to replenish those memories. I am here talking to you all because I want to share with the world that regardless your childhood, background, bad experiences, if you want to pick up, move on and be somebody, go do it. I really believe in myself when it come to reaching my dreams, and as I chuckle, I don't know why.
It's hard to sleep now at nights because I am so ready to move to the city, and begin the next chapter in my life. Waking up at noon everyday to roll over and see your childhood room at 22 isnt the exact life I pictured when I was a teen. I imagined hearing horns honking actually, outside the window. Pigeons flying by, walking up and down the busy street, even waiting for the subway. Being a country girl whose destiny is to be a succesful journalist in the big city isn't the typical career path, but it works for me.
I am patiently waiting on the phone call that tells me that I have the job.
It's killing me. Knowing that I have a meal ticket to get the hell out of dodge, and it might slip away from me. Everyone keeps telling me to keep faith in the Lord, and that if it is in God's will, that it will happen. Patience. (inhale-exhale) I have faith. I am just tired of being broke, laying up in my parents house, waiting on my next move. I can't stop thinking of getting off of work in the city on a Friday, coming home, showering, blogging, then walking to the downtown local cafe', small club, bar... where I could run into a journalist or someone that works at Harpo Productions, the local news stations, actresses, actors, radio personalities, musicians, and simply ask them:
"How does it feel?"
I end this posting today with this: keep the faith. Keep working hard. Keep praying. Never give up. Keep smiling.
Realization that this is it...
I am a southern girl finally with the oppritunity to turn my life into the business-oriented woman, seeking to live the life that no one ever seems to talk about in small towns. Its funny how I all of a sudden decide to create my own blog and see what goes from here. This story is real....this is about the turning point in my life where I decide to make a choice.
1. Leave behind a life of almost 22 years to an unknown land where its nothing but time moving by rapidly, sky scrapers, wide open-grass covered parks right next to the lake. Driving past Harpo Corporation, imagining what it would be like to help create the amazing and mind-blowing media/entertainment/hard news that seems to impact the world one story at a time. Working with fast-paced people....those who understand and live everyday assisting a beloved icon who places change in peoples lives for ever.
2.Lexington, Kentucky. Stay here and work. How can a young woman leave behind a group of girls who have been involved in God's creation of a strong, sometimes self conscious individual who isn't afraid to take a challenge? My girlfriends genuinely mean the world to me, and I am a work of a character, so anyone who is willing to put up with my attitude for more than five years definately has my friendship at heart. Although, Chicago in fact does have a pulling effect.
3. How could someone let go of a life that was influenced by the two people who have been my best friends since I could remember. I am talking about my the three star link, me, my mom and dad. Jimmy, Tina and Krista. Its always been us three. From battling, vacationing, to arguing, to crying, to laughing.....countless times where we've walked through Jacobson Park together. The nights where I would sneak back in the house at almost 5:30 in the morning when I was 16....they were there, waiting on me. Pissed. Dissapointed. Worried, confused at how 'there daugher' has the urge to find boys, beer and a party at any time of the night. But never gave up on me. Not once.
4. last, but certainly not least...my boyfriend. Have you ever heard of that love between two people that isn't soppy, isn't based off of what the next person is doing, they both are in this world driven to make it, no matter what struggles are thrown in their way? That's me & him. Unlike myself, which some would categorize as "privledged-" father pays there way through college by working 60 hours a week in a plant and mom is a substitute teacher; his background is completely different. He claims "he has a daddy, but not a father." Tens of Thousands of dollars in debt with full intentions on paying every penny back, is what keeping him in college, not daddy's money. But what makes me feel like he is here with me honestly and doesn't care, and not the fact that I face him and thrive for his personality, eyes and his bravery for not giving up on success, not giving up with school...its the love he has for me that persistantly reminds my conscious that even though he doesn't yap as much as I do, he can look me in my eyes, rub my neck and pull me close in bed, and tell me that if I achieve and dream, I can be that person I genuinely want to be, and that's another reason why I feel the city is where I need to be. Because he knows I need to be there, too. I cry sometimes because I dream of moving so bad, but what about him? How can I claim I am so in love yet so ready to up and go and leave the only person who knows me better than I know myself sometimes...who knows how stubborn and goal oriented people work...I need him. I need my friends. I need my mom & dad. 6 hours away seems extremely intimidating
1. Leave behind a life of almost 22 years to an unknown land where its nothing but time moving by rapidly, sky scrapers, wide open-grass covered parks right next to the lake. Driving past Harpo Corporation, imagining what it would be like to help create the amazing and mind-blowing media/entertainment/hard news that seems to impact the world one story at a time. Working with fast-paced people....those who understand and live everyday assisting a beloved icon who places change in peoples lives for ever.
2.Lexington, Kentucky. Stay here and work. How can a young woman leave behind a group of girls who have been involved in God's creation of a strong, sometimes self conscious individual who isn't afraid to take a challenge? My girlfriends genuinely mean the world to me, and I am a work of a character, so anyone who is willing to put up with my attitude for more than five years definately has my friendship at heart. Although, Chicago in fact does have a pulling effect.
3. How could someone let go of a life that was influenced by the two people who have been my best friends since I could remember. I am talking about my the three star link, me, my mom and dad. Jimmy, Tina and Krista. Its always been us three. From battling, vacationing, to arguing, to crying, to laughing.....countless times where we've walked through Jacobson Park together. The nights where I would sneak back in the house at almost 5:30 in the morning when I was 16....they were there, waiting on me. Pissed. Dissapointed. Worried, confused at how 'there daugher' has the urge to find boys, beer and a party at any time of the night. But never gave up on me. Not once.
4. last, but certainly not least...my boyfriend. Have you ever heard of that love between two people that isn't soppy, isn't based off of what the next person is doing, they both are in this world driven to make it, no matter what struggles are thrown in their way? That's me & him. Unlike myself, which some would categorize as "privledged-" father pays there way through college by working 60 hours a week in a plant and mom is a substitute teacher; his background is completely different. He claims "he has a daddy, but not a father." Tens of Thousands of dollars in debt with full intentions on paying every penny back, is what keeping him in college, not daddy's money. But what makes me feel like he is here with me honestly and doesn't care, and not the fact that I face him and thrive for his personality, eyes and his bravery for not giving up on success, not giving up with school...its the love he has for me that persistantly reminds my conscious that even though he doesn't yap as much as I do, he can look me in my eyes, rub my neck and pull me close in bed, and tell me that if I achieve and dream, I can be that person I genuinely want to be, and that's another reason why I feel the city is where I need to be. Because he knows I need to be there, too. I cry sometimes because I dream of moving so bad, but what about him? How can I claim I am so in love yet so ready to up and go and leave the only person who knows me better than I know myself sometimes...who knows how stubborn and goal oriented people work...I need him. I need my friends. I need my mom & dad. 6 hours away seems extremely intimidating
It's hard to just pick up and leave everything that you have known for one shot to see if your dreams can come true, if I follow the typical American Dream motto.
- Being a Sociology minor, I learned that if you want to live in Corporate America (and you're not born to a family that's rich, has "connections" or isn't gifted-and-talented where oppritunities are layed out infront of you) this society drives off of a "manifest destiny," where America appreciates hard work and belief in an American "mission" to promote and defend democracy throughout the world...this doesn't just continue to have an influence on American political ideology, but the work mind as well-take whats yours. "If you don't work hard for what you want in life, don't expect the world to feel sorry for you," type of thing.
No section 8, no government assistance. A low-income person has no other choice sometimes than to reach out for unemployment checks, its a ticking time bomb, constantly reminding them that they need "us" (the governement) in order to survive everyday. Holding individuals back mentally, from opening those doors that seem blissful and only on TV. Watching family and friends struggle through this hell hole drives me so much more to prove that a young, inspired Black woman from the most republican state in America, isn't just some lazy girl, whose goals pertain to having babies, finding a man to take care of me and my babies and work at the local stores or even get that 'good clerical' job. So, I am investing in starting from the bottom, up...seeking a steady career path in downtown Chicago, honestly, because I have always wanted to live an adventure. I have gazed into the stars in the wide, open sky on an autumn night my whole life, wondering what my life was destined to turn out to be, and I am finally here.I could stay here in Lexington, continuing to apply for local news jobs to report to our small communities about who died in a car crash or who killed who or what's going on in Clark or Hazard County. Trust me, I care about all the people who are involved in horiffic or repetitive news worthy incidences, but come on, there has to be something more to life than that.
So, I figured I would test my theory. Moving to a bigger market in media provides so much more character to life. More challenges to face. More people to get to know just so someone can open that door for you to create good and public news? To tell someone's story.
I just finished a job interview in Downtown Chicago, Illinois. The feeling that you get when you stand in front of the mediocre, tall building right next to the Subway, that's when you realize that those four years of college were really worth it. That moments like these make you want to try harder, even if you find out the job isn't what it seemed like, or you don't get that phone call back. But this job is different. I actually want to work hard and go in early and stay late, do whatever I can do to stay in Chicago and take up a hobby that might help me soar. How do I become apart of the social class that is proven to be worth working that 60-70 hour week. Oh, how I yearn for the fast paced work day that is devoted to help create a show/package/documentary that tells a story that inspires the viewer to say "damn..." or "yes, people like that do exist." Regardless what type of Entertainment/media it is....I want to be there, working-creating.
This is the part in my life where I get to decide where I will be. I am praying that the job I applied for is legit, and calls me back, impressed by my smile and charming ways.... and the way I come across comfortable yet here to work towards change and get things rolling on the ball like we are supposed to. I am terrified. I mentioned that I am eager to begin yet willing to work as many hours as needed to get the job done. Although it isn't where I dream to be, its a start. It has to do with my Broadcast Journalism major, and I can be myself.
Well, here I go. As much as I hate the crampedness of the studio apartment right around the corner from the job, I can't help but gasp at the downtown view and imagine working out on the elyptical while doing my laundry in the shabby basement...or going outside to the 14th floor open patio to stare at the skyline while typing my blog when I am off work. I am used to sitting on my back porch with honeysuckles all around the gate, drinking iced tea and waiting for daddy to get off work. Coming home to eat a cooked meal after class, especially being sick of the dorm or the apartment. Green grass that turns blue when the sun is in the right spot in an open field...clean air and local football and basketball games that are THAT important to put signs up in local buisness windows and get out washable paint pens to write on minivans and teenagers first car. Its hard to imagine leaving a life that you have been used to for so long, and hop over to somewhere else.
This is my prayer:
Dear Lord,
It is often said that sometimes people express feelings better through print than verbal words. I am asking that if I am blessed with this career that has been offered to me, I will work hard to benefit the environment around me and make a difference to impact the nation one person at a time. I know this is entry level, but this at least gives me more oppritunity to showcase to media corporations that I am talented. With this said, Lord Jesus I will seek a home church, which has been an ongoing battle in my life for years. I am ready, to live through this next chapter in my life, and go in head first. I want to work through your hands, Lord. Guide me on the direct path.
Amen.
If I get the job and move into this cramped apartment, let the globbing begin. (That's games + blogging combined) Today is July 11th, 2009. 4:36 am. I have until Tuesday to see if this job calls me back. In the mean time, its back to serving a Cheddars, just incase I need extra cash to prepare for a move to the city....tune in with me for this intimidating, yet adventurous ride.
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